It does not go down like this every day.

What I’m about to share with you was one of the better days (from an entertainment-value-perspective, not for my sanity).

I am talking about getting a teenager and a pre-teen ready to go in the morning. With fits, attitudes and drama. My kids. In one hour. Sounds exhausting, right? Thank god I write this shit down. In my pink idea book. You never know when it will come in handy. Like now.

This particular day was a day during the week last winter and all the excitement went down before school (and after sanity).

6:50 am - I wake up Pauline and get this: “Can you give me a ride to school today? You know everyone in my school gets rides. I am sure it’s cold out today. WHAT? You won’t? I can’t believe it! I bet if Marius would ask you would give him a ride. Because he is your favourite. I am just not going to school today then.” All this while she was still in bed, eyes closed. For a second there I had a suspicion that she pre-recorded it the night before - but it was actually live.

6:55 am - Pauline, again: “You didn’t wash my Cody Simpson jacket? What am I supposed to wear today? I told you I needed it washed! OMG - what do I have to put up with in this house?” Let me just say this - ever since that day my 14 year-old-daughter does all her laundry herself.

7:00 am - Pauline decides to get up after all and wants to use the bathroom. Turns out my husband is in there. I tell her to use the bathroom in the basement (which is a brand new, nice bathroom, I’ll have you know). “WHAT? You want me to go into the basement? Why can’t Dad go into the basement? I saw a spider down there last week and I am never using that basement bathroom again. I’m just gonna pee right here in the hallway.” My husband yells from the bathroom that she can also go outside and try to pee her name into the snow and I bring her a salad bowl. She decides to hold it in for another few minutes until he’s done.

7:10 am - taking a little breather while Pauline is in the bathroom, then getting ready to wake up Marius.

7:11 am - Marius: “MOM! MOM! MOM! Pauline is giving me a headache with her yelling! I think I’m going to throw up. You aren’t going to work today, are you? I think I’m gonna stay home with you today. Can I play with my ipod?” I don’t think I need to explain this any further.

7:13 am - now Marius has to pee and of course his sister is still in the bathroom. Me: “Pauline, can you please let your brother into the bathroom so he can pee?” Pauline: “Ha! I knew you were going to ask me that! Of course he doesn’t have to go down into the basement. You’re not going to make him, because he is your favourite. I am going to be a LOOOONNNNG time.” I am tempted to say that my favourite would be not to have any kids at all, but I don’t and then I make my husband go into the basement with the little prince so he can use the bathroom there.

7:15 am - making breakfast for the kids, considering taking one of the Oxycoton my husband got from the doctor for his herniated discs.

7:25 am - both kids are sitting at the table, having breakfast. It snowed the night before. Marius: “I think I’m gonna go and play outside after school. Maybe build a snowman.” Pauline: “Mom, what if he goes and touches the snow on my side of the yard? That would not be fair! Are you going to do anything about this?” Once again I consider saying something about not having any kids, but I don’t and just tell them that maybe they should go to the hardware store and get a quote for a fence.

7:40 am - just because they can, my kids decide it would be a good idea to play Lego for a few minutes before we have to leave. Which of course turns into an argument about whether some little miniscule part belongs to the Star Wars collection or to the Prince of Persia collection. And as it turns out both claim that the particular piece is their favourite and most important piece out of the 34,567 pieces they own.

7:50 am - Pauline leaves the house to catch the school bus, Marius claims Lego piece # 34,567 for himself and won’t remember where he put it before we even leave the house.

Bonus #11 - 8:30 am - both kids in school, I sit down and procrastinate on Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook simultaneously get some writing done.